Twin Peaks 2: Electric Bugaloo

Liz and I watched the first part of Stephen King's Kingdom Hospital last night. King apparently only helped grease the wheels to get it made, and didn't write it from scratch (although he did a good deal of work on the screenplay), but the "Stephen King" on the title was enough to attract me. It's a ghost story about a haunted hospital with some strange Twin Peaks-like characters, adapted from a Danish TV show that was concocted by Lars Von Trier (Dancer in the Dark).

Rather than actually review it, let me offer some things that aren't scary in a ghost movie:

1. Revealing your ghost 25 seconds into the film.
2. Giant anteater totem-animals with unnatural teeth.
3. Psychics.

#3 really gets on my nerves. It seems like every fucking time King tries to do a ghost story (although I'll grudgingly except The Shining from this, since he did it subtlely), there's got to be a psychic. I do not understand this. Psychics don't connect me to the characters in any way. Quite the opposite - since I think most psychics are just psychos looking for attention, and "being psychic" is either a desperate cry for help from a clinically depressed anti-social person OR just a bunch of made-up hogwash to seperate stupid people from their hard-earned money, then I do identify with psychic characters. In fact, this widens the gap between me and the psychic character. So unless the so-called psychic is the first one to die, then leave them out of the story, because it totally ruins it for me.

And #1. I expected better from the Master of Suspense. Like, some actual suspense. Is the ghost good or bad? What are its powers? How does it manifest? What can it manipulate in this world? Is it trying to scare people to death to exact revenge, or just to warn them?

Blowing these all-important questions by playing your entire hand in the first half-minute of the two hour feature sucks. Potential horror writers, take note: this is not scary. Build to it, people!

That is all. I still love Stephen King. But I'm coming to the conclusion that he doesn't do ghosts very well.