How Not To Do Blogger Outreach, With Translation of PR Nonsense

I have never been contacted by a PR firm to get me to cover something on this blog, but some of my blogging coworkers have. One of my coworkers was recently contacted, although we're a little unclear as to why - he basically blogs about marketing and PR like I do, so the closest we can figure is these guys created a list of "communications/marketing blogs" and spammed them with the same form email, inserting their names and nothing else. Remember when I talked about individual communication? This is the opposite of that. The exchange that follows is priceless. Note that all names have been removed, as have all references to the company and product to protect the innocent.

Hey there [blogging coworker],

I have been bursting to tell you about [product] but I have been under embargo until the big press conference in New York this morning. Well, since the embargo has been lifted, both you and I are free to talk or write about [product] until we’re blue in the face, so here’s what [product] is …
[IRRELEVANT PRODUCT INFORMATION
If you’re as excited about [product] as I am and think it will appeal to the [coworker's blog] community [note: my coworker's blog does not have a "community"], I hope you’ll take a few minutes to let your audience know all about it.
Either way, we’re also letting bloggers into our private preview in a few weeks, so that you can have a sneak peek right before [product] opens to the public – but you’ll need to reserve your spot.
So let me know if you’d like to be added to our private preview list, and feel free to ping me if you have any questions.

Cheers,

[PR guy]

[PR guy's contact information]
P.S. If you want to learn more before checking out the social media release, here’s the official Press Release.

[press release pasted]

Um, yeah. So my coworker really doesn't have a "community" (as much as I love you Puppeteers, you're not a community either - not by the new marketing definition of the term anyway). And until he received this, he'd never heard of the product and "bursting at the seams" comes off as so disingenuous and fake it's not even funny (or rather, it is!) My coworker also figured out that the PR guy who sent this added him as a "friend" on Facebook about a half-hour before this email was sent, and did a little detective work to trace this back to an interactive PR company. So my coworker responds with:

Hey [PR guy] -- sure, would love to check out the preview, thanks for the invite. Not sure if I'll blog about this soon but I am interested in what you are doing.

FYI, I don't mind the e-mail, but might be better next time to send a private message via Facebook, since that is where you found me, instead of pinging my public e-mail address. If I didn't figure out who you were and who you work for, I might have felt "spammed" :-)

Best,

[Coworker]

Now here's where things take a turn for the strange. PR guy comes back with:

I see where you're coming from. I must admit that that is an issue I deal with because I try to maintain a "list" two which I send "pitches" and I am trying figure out the best way to make this happen so that folks like [NAMEDROP OF FAMOUS NEW MARKETING GUY THIS GUY ACTUALLY WORKS FOR] and you don't feel SPAMMED, but message you indeed were! I cannot deny that -- my only defense is that I only "spam" bloggers, who are public folks, anyway, and I try to be a little bit neighborly about it :)

Thanks for getting back to me, however!

[PR guy]

Well intentioned, but I'm guessing this fellow didn't ace writing class. My coworker sends me:

Okay, help me out -- what the fuck is he saying, that spamming bloggers is cool?

So I have a little fun with this. Here's my translation:

I see where you're coming from.

[Oops, you caught me.]

I must admit that that is an issue I deal with because I try to maintain a "list" two which

[Twin Acres Community College Education ahoy!]

I send "pitches" and I am trying figure out the best way to make this happen so that folks like [GUY] and you don't feel SPAMMED,

[I also spend a lot of time on 4chan, and I have no real clue what I’m doing as far as blogger engagement goes.]

but message you indeed were!

[This just doesn’t make sense. “Message” is not a verb as used here, and even if it was this still isn’t grammatically correct.]

I cannot deny that -- my only defense is that I only "spam" bloggers, who are public folks, anyway, and I try to be a little bit neighborly about it :)
[Fuck off, spamming a big old list of people I made up is easier than writing them all, but it’s OK because your email is out there publicly so I’m really little more than a spambot farming email addresses, but that’s OK too because I at least personalized the email with your name and created some folksy language that the Bush administration wouldn’t even use.]

Thanks for getting back to me, however!
[Eat it.]

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how not to do blogger engagement. I hope you had a good chuckle at least - we did.