One From the Vault
In lieu of real new content, I present to you old content from Arch's website a million years ago.
by Nuke-Toting Psycho
Well, last week I was driving see, and oh yeah, I guess I should tell you that I'm the world's best driver see, well anyway, last week I was driving along, going the speed limit, obeying all the traffic laws 'cause hey, that's the kind of guy I am, and like I said, I'm the world's best driver, well anyway, I'm cruising down the street, and the light in front of me is green, and the cars aren't going anywhere, so I'm thinking to myself, what the heck is all this? well anyway, I was going nowhere fast, so I look up ahead and see a car waiting to turn left, and I'm thinking, man, can't this guy read the sign that says "No Left Turn?" and what is his problem anyway, well anyway, I'm thinking all these thoughts and everyone behind this guy, me included, get screwed out of a green light because he thought he had to turn left, and he had to wait for all the other cars to go by on the other side of the road, and no one could get around him because it was a two-lane street, and I'm thinking, hey, what is this guy's malfunction? well anyway, as I'm sitting there, I realize that since I'm the best driver in the world and all, I might as well be the one telling people how to drive, so I drove to the closest weapons store and bought myself a rocket launcher and a bunch of rockets, and paid by credit card 'cause I don't usually carry that much cash on my personage, and went out into the street and drove around some more, 'cause hey I'm the world's greatest driver, and right as I'm pulling out and going the exact speed limit, some other driver pulls out right in front of me, cutting me off, and I looked in my rearview mirror and there wasn't anyone back there, so I start thinking, man, what's this guy's malfunction, its not like he had to cut me off or anything, so I shot his car with a rocket and it exploded in a huge fireball and drove off the side of the road, and after that I pulled up alongside and got out and the guys charred remains were sticking out of the car, so I kicked them and asked him just where cutting me off got him anyway, and like I said, I'm the greatest driver ever, well anyway, I got back in my car and drove off, happy that I had taught a driver a valuable lesson, and I'm getting on the freeway, and I'm minding my own business in the right lane like I'm supposed to, and I go to pass someone and this stupid woman in a pickup truck comes speeding out of nowhere and sits like two inches off my bumper, and I'm in the left lane and I'm thinking fine, she wants to pass me, so I get back over and she speeds around me and starts tailgating the next guy in the left lane, and now I'm getting a little upset, and then she cuts me off because she needs to pass him on the right, and I'm thinking woman you aren't pregnant, its not like you need to drive like that, so I pull out my rocket launcher and send some hot fiery death her way, and sure enough the truck explodes in a glorious little mushroom cloud and I pull over and she is still alive but twitching a little and I say, hey, you know I'm the world's greatest driver and you were being dangerous, someone could have gotten hurt or killed back there, and she just screamed about how much the flames hurt her, and I looked at her and said maybe you shouldn't drive like that and people wouldn't be shooting rockets at you and then got in my car and drove off, and it was about this time that I realized that since I was the greatest driver in the world, that I would have to be the one to teach everyone else, so anyway I bought myself a nuke and here I am with it wired to me, and there are some cops below who keep shouting things like don't do it and it's OK and there is more to life and all that, well anyway, they are all pretty bad drivers compared to me and that is why I'm going to press this little button and teach everyone in a 20 mile radius how to drive.
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