Sunday, August 06, 2006

So It's Not a Quote or a Movie or a Video Game

Life's been interesting lately. Work has moved from super-busy to boring back to busy, and my work on Fallout d20 has certainly rekindled a bit of the creative juices, but my lack of time prevents me from taking too much advantage of it. I'm at a strange point in my life; I feel like something's missing, and it's something I need to find myself. One of my coworkers recently quit to travel to South America for nine months; I envy him. I don't want to leave, I just want to do something more personally significant and meaningful. It's a hard thing to describe, and it's something I'm not sure is possible given my current position.

Nor do I think there is a decent answer. My overall feeling is one of satisfaction; I've got a great house, a good group of friends I can spend time with, and a lot of things I should be thankful for (kind of in the Protestant sense, I suppose.) But I just don't really feel like anything I'm doing is of any lasting significance. If there were 48 hours in a day (and I still only had to work 8 and commute 2), I would have to time to do what I want to do. I suppose that this is some kind of karmic balance; in high school and college, I would put off anything "important" and "for school" until the last possible minute, choosing to goof off the rest of the time, whether it was through video games, writing, working on something, or just hanging out with my friends. Perhaps this is life's way of saying I didn't apprecaite what I had when I had it? But I don't believe that, because the very reasons I acted the way I did was to take advantage of the time and the opportunities afforded me.

I don't want to turn this into some kind of emo, poor-me whinefest, because that's not how I feel. I guess I'm stream of consciousnessing things I'll be able to come back later and read myself (and until that time, will stand as an Internet-permanent testimony to me working through what's eating me.) And hell, I use a (lot) (of) (parenthesis!)

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