Four Tips for Interacting With A Formerly Fat Person

I meant to write this post a month ago, but my experiences coming home for the holidays reminded me I never got around to it, and it seems like as good a time as any to put this down.

What inspired this is the variety of reactions I get about losing weight from my friends and family, especially people who haven't necessarily seen me in a long time. I can tell it makes some people uncomfortable (for whatever reason - it's not my place to speculate) but it also elicits some well-intentioned behaviors in others that, frankly, are a pain in the ass to deal with. So undersand that I've written this as a friendly and helpful tips, and I fully understand that the last thing my friends and family want to do is hurt me; I just don't think people realize how things come across sometimes. I want people to see things from my point of view without coming across like an overbearing jerk, so please take this advice in the spirit it's given.

So, some tips for interacting with a former fat guy.

1. You don't have to keep offering me food; or, no means no. Food is wonderful; it tastes good, and it's an inherent social driver for our culture. It's also something that I had a very self-destructive personal relationship with that I have repaired for my own health and well-being.

A key part of that process for me was identifying both what I wanted to eat and in what quantities. I'm really good at keeping my diet sustainable. I know full well how much and of what I can eat. You don't have to go out of your way to prepare super-healthy stuff when I'm around, but if you're serving biscuits and gravy don't expect me to take a massive bowl of it.

Let me put it this way: it's very obvious that I've lost a good deal of weight in the last seven years (it's hard to hide the physical change of 150 pounds off.) Looking at me is a reminder. You know I've lost a lot of weight. So, please ask yourself this: if I was a recovering alcoholic and you were aware that I used to have a self-destructive relationship with alcohol, would you offer me a drink? Would you continue to offer me drinks throughout the day if I politely refused the first one (or two?) How do you think I would feel if you did, even if I knew you were doing it out of politeness?

Apply that to food. It's not a perfect correlation but I would argue that what I'm recovering from is very similar to addiction, and the mental processes I use to stay healthy is similar to how recovering addicts make it through the day.

I don't like to throw food out but if you heap a bunch of it on my plate after I tell you not to, I will. Also understand that it's a lot harder to control portions once the food is on your plate. I still nibble. I'm only human. I know my weaknesses, and I control them by not putting the food on my plate in the first place. Like the booze, I know where the food is and if I really want to make that choice I'll do it myself.

2. Yes, I'm still self-conscious about my weight. Please understand that as much as I'm proud of what I've done that being fat left lasting psychological damage, in no small part related to the fact that my weight gain was directly linked to my depression. You don't have to reassure me. I appreciate it, but honestly it's best just left alone. And yes, looking at pictures of me when I was much heavier is very uncomfortable for me. That's why I've personally only kept a handful myself.

3. I want to inspire you but in a healthy way. I've noticed that when I'm out with people they'll often pick up on the fact that I'm ordering healthy, smaller quantities or loading up on fruit at the salad bar and skipping the full-fat ranch dressing. Then they turn around and order something way outside of what they would normally eat. Cool, let me inspire you; in fact, that's one of the best parts about having made such an achievement is helping others see that it is possible. That being said, understand that the me you see now and the way I eat now is the result of seven years of constant, hard work.

Say you went to a martial arts competition and saw a guy jump through the air and break 15 bricks with his hand, and you thought, "that's freakin' awesome. I want to do that!" and you go and break your own hand trying to break a single brick. That dude worked up to where he is; so have I. If you try to jump on the train at my stop, you're going to end up hurting yourself, or worse doing something unsustainable with your diet and turning around and getting even madder when it doesn't work out.

Having spent seven years gaining weight and seven years losing it, I can say this: it's not something that comes easy and it doesn't happen overnight. You're going to make small failures and backslide and lose heart and hope along the way. But if you want to lose, really want to lose, then talk to your doctor and start doing something sustainable. You may have to lose a bunch to kickstart yourself (like I did with two different low-carb diets.) You may need way more exercise than I did. It's going to be different for you, but it is do-able. Don't break your hand trying to smash some bricks. Train up to it. It's really the only way it will work.

4. I'm not judging you. For some reason I get the impression that people feel judged, especially around their choices at mealtime. Guess what: it doesn't matter to me what you're eating (unless you feel guilty and try to get me to eat more because you're feeling that way, in which case see #1.) I don't care if you're fat or skinny or eating a ton or eating like a bird unless I feel like you're directly putting yourself in danger, in which case as a friend I would say something - just like I would hope you're doing the same for me.

Please understand that, if you feel like you need to lose weight, what I want most is to inspire you, not judge you. You'll have to make that decision on your own though. Hopefully my experience will help serve as a realistic way to show you how it could be done.

About the Weird

"You're so weird !"

If only I had a nickel for every time in my life someone told me that.

I know this blog has picked up some new readers recently, not that this was an unexpected development. After all, Google my name - it's the first thing that comes up. Frankly I'm surprised it didn't happen sooner. Last weekend my inlaws told me that they found the old Puppet Show, and while I don't know if they're regular readers, I generally assume they are. The thing is, I really don't publish anything on here I wouldn't want my mother (who has been a faithful Puppeteer since the launch) or my grandparents (who may one day stumble upon this blog) to read. But the more in-the-world realization triggered a brief audience review of material (I went back to make sure I hadn't said anything extraordinarily stupid, and I hadn't). But I realized there's some, well, weirdness going on here.

Like all good latticeworks of coincidence, this story continued yesterday as I walked into Forbidden Planet, London's mega-comic-shop, and was browsing while waiting for some friends to finish their business. I randomly picked up an art book about the gracefulness of machines, cables, and circuitry; something I'd never considered 'beautiful' or even 'graceful,' but certainly was as the artist depicted it. Some of the artwork though one could easily have labelled 'weird.' And yeah, it was pretty out there.

But this triggered another slightly existential thought process. I have rarely, if even, apologized for my being 'weird' when I occasionally say some goofy non sequitor at work or described one of my 'wouldn't it be cool if' scenarios to someone who clearly may not have ever considered attaching 'cool' to whatever concept I might be floating.

And yet this is the very bread-and-butter of my existence. It is the root of who I am, my very personhood relies on these 'weird' connections between things that don't seem to go together. I used to turn away from Cubist art because, I claimed, "I didn't understand it." I still don't understand it but I can certainly appreciate it more now as I grow older, because I see in it possibilities and connections that never occurred to me before.

Speaking of my grandparents, for my high school graduation my grandfather got me a carved rock for my desk (OK, a paperweight) with an inscription in it: 'Some people see the world as it is and ask why. Others see the world as it could be and ask why not.' I don't like dualisms and have asked 'why' as much as I've asked 'why not,' but if I had to choose I'd put myself in that later category.

Sure, these things may not go together. But they will. I may not understand how something works within a system now, but that's very likely because the system isn't understood, or the framework is wrong, or the thing misunderstood.

It's a big old world out there, and another thing I realize the more I go on is that it's far more full of wonder than most people give it credit for, if only they'd see and hear and taste and feel and create.

Photo: Grilled Shrimp at Creek Cafe by mamamusings.

A Matter of Time

This post may be more appropriate on my Yankee In London blog but it's a little more general, so I'll put it here.

Today is a very important milestone for me. I almost didn't notice it was happening. Nine years ago today I returned from studying abroad here in London, after a raucous trip to Scotland and a semester living in another country. That means two things:

I have now lived and been outside of the United States for longer than I ever have before.

I am approximately one-quarter of the way done with our contractual obligations to be here in London, should we decide to come back immediately. Our work visas only last that long anyway.

It's a strange feeling since in a way it seems like we just got here and our lives are still in chaos. At the same time, it's even less remarkable since the real milestone happened about a month ago for me, since I came about a month early this time. Yet there's still that chaos. Things aren't quite settled yet and they may never be.

Of all the things I miss, my friends and family are byfar the largest thing. There is barely a day that goes by where I don't think 'hey, X would love this,' or 'I wish I could show this to Y.' I thought the same thing when I was here before and having the Beautiful Competition here to share this with me certainly helps but I still miss my friends and family greatly. Admittedly, my webcam and Xbox Live does help me keep in touch in ways I wouldn't have been able to do before, but they are still stopgap measures.

As I continue to reevaluate my life as I lurch ever closer to my next birthday (which I'm not officially celebrating, by the way) I realize more and more what's really important and know that I'm adjusting my life accordingly so I can enjoy every bit of time I have with the people I care about. Life's just too damn short to do otherwise.

Apologies for not posting in a while, the weather has been fabulous. This is the first morning it's rained in weeks. Which may be affecting my mood slightly.

A Matter of Family

Last night was the most difficult so far in this move: I dropped off the cats at their temporary house where they'll live with friends for the next four months. The parting was difficult, but harder is the fact that this is the first time our family has been apart like this. Ever.

Even on the move to Seattle, when I was here alone, Elizabeth and the cats stayed together. It's odd; they are animals, but they are our family too. Family's a funny thing. I've grown to realize that it doesn't just mean your blood relatives, it's the support network of friends and loved ones as much as it is those to whom you're directly related. I just spent a week with my blood relatives and in my last week here I'm spending time with the family that has in one way or another formed here: Brook and Wendi, Angela and John, Seth, Jon, Crabby, Kevin and Kim.

And then off to a distant land where our core family will be reunited and we'll make new friends.

It's too early to be writing these kinds of posts.

Livin' On Tulsa Time

I thought about posting this to the London Blog since this will be my last visit home before I emigrate but decided it really belongs here. Tulsa is much as I remember (and expect) it to be, except with more stip-mall Middle Americana growing up around 71st and 81st streets. The frozen custard stands have mostly left and there are more Starbuck's to take their place. More restaurants, but old haunts like the 71st Street Depo are still serving 3.2% beer and regrets.

The flight in was the single-worst flying experience I've had; we booked an earlier flight than our original to try to make up some time and to adjust to Liz's schedule, but it ended up being canceled and we were rebooked on our original airline (albeit a later flight.) Our luggage was not; it ended up in Tulsa after us so total time in airports to fly the four hours to Tulsa exceeded 13 hours from arrival to luggage retrieval. We also had the pleasure of arriving the day of Oklahoma's centennial celebration, so I can say I was here for that but I missed Garth (Brooks) and Carrie (Underwood) performing. Next time I guess.

Last night we ran around with some of our old friends. Somehow we ended up at Denny's one last time. Bean and Tosha and Yuill were all there, and if Andy had showed up I wouldn't have been at all surprised. A few tables over a group of high school kids were hanging out after a football game and I realized as I listened to them I was looking at and hearing myself ten years ago. As easy as it is to make fun of home when you're not here, the lure of home once your back can be surprisingly strong.

Life continues much as it always does; my nieces and nephews are getting older, my parents and in-laws are getting older, and I know that I'm getting older too. If anything, this trip combined with the impending move has slowed me down a little, helping to remind me to take a little time and enjoy the company of those around me. After all, if we don't have these things - friends, home, and so forth - we really have nothing at all.