Kicking Ass For The Lord

I read this afternoon (via SA) that Pope Benedict is now recruiting "exorcist squads" to "wage war on Satan." Satanism has become such a problem that this calls for squads of priests who can perform exorcisms (in the Catholic faith, as the article correctly states, very few actually know how to do it - remember The Exorcist?) In fact:

Each bishop is to be told to have in his diocese a number of priests trained to fight demonic possession.

"Extreme Godlessness" is on the rise, and who's to blame but one old scapegoat and a new one:

The Vatican is particularly concerned that young people are being exposed to the influence of Satanic sects through rock music and the Internet.

Well it's true that the Internet enables people to more closely connect with fringe groups, but rock and roll? What is this, 1967? And aren't there far worse things on the Internet than Satanists - like, I dunno, racist or political hate groups? Al Qaeda? Ron Paul supporters? Yeah, I went there.

Apparently there's good cause for this though. According to the Vatican rep quoted in the article, "We are being bombarded by requests for exorcisms." Apparently demand is outstripping supply and it's time to form some task forces.

Don't get me wrong - I like this. A lot. I don't discuss religion much, but I tend to approach faith - and Christianity in particular - with a very Liberation Theology approach - God helps those who help themselves. This is pure religious action, and I like it.

But I like the idea of some sort of League of Extraordinary Gentlemen coming forth from some secret Vatican base to fight Satanic possession even more. Can you imagine how badass that would be, to have a squad of specially trained exorcists and investigative experts traveling around the globe to fight the paranormal? I realize it's been done before but allow me to present my "dream team" exorcism squad:

Jacob Fuller (Harvey Keitel in From Dusk Till Dawn)

Why: He's a self-described "mean motherfucking man of God." He's a man of the cloth who lost his faith and rediscovered it, and there's no stronger faith than the one that has been tempered by the fires of doubt. Plus, he's smart enough to bless holy water and put it in Super Soakers to fight vampires, make crosses out of baseball bats and shotguns, and carve crosses onto blessed bullets. The guy really knows his shit.

Why not: Well, he's not technically a priest. But that brings us to:

Father McGruder (Stuart Devenie in Dead/Alive)

Father McGruder plays a very small role in Dead/Alive but it is probably the most memorable role. He's a priest. He kicks ass for the lord. He takes out an entire group of zombies with martial arts. So not only can he perform the exorcism, he can help the party - err, exorcism squad - if things get out of hand.

Why:Here's a video of him in action:


Agent Dana Scully, FBI

Scully should need no introduction, but I offer one anyway. She's the ultimate skeptic although a woman of faith herself, not one to easily fall for trickery. Most investigated exorcisms turn out to be false anyway and someone with a firm grasp of the scientific method and criminal investigative techniques is imperative to the success of the team. Plus she's dead-on-balls accurate with that hand cannon of hers, so any corporeal threats will think twice before fucking with her.

Why: Scientific skills, criminology background, knowledge of medicine, crack shot.

Why not: Has been known to hesitate under pressure. Her whereabouts are currently unknown.

Frederich Nietzsche

Every party - err, squad - needs a lighthearted prankster to lighten their spirits and nothing says lighthearted like old Freddy N. A fun-loving recluse who once joshed that "Christianity is the religion of pity," Nietzsche adds just the right mix of existential honesty, questioning of faith and syphilitic insanity to the group. He may not be able to help with the investigations, but he'll certainly be around to force people to consider what the events mean.

Why: A fun-loving wacky fellow. Who wouldn't want Nietzsche on their side?

Why not: Before he passed away he signed his letters "Dionysus" and exhibited other signs of syphilis. While a hoot to have around, he may be a detriment to actual investigative work.

Jake Green (Skeet Ulrich from Jericho)

Young and inexperienced although more worldly than many others his age, Jake Green offers a pragmatic if youthful angle for the squad. He is the current de facto leader of Jericho (Season 2 starts February 12 on CBS!) and has served in military organizations both government and civilian in war zones. He's good with a gun, full of practical advice and can get things done when necessary without compromising his morals. He's also more attractive than the other squad members (except for Scully) increasing the Exorcism's Squad ratings among the crucial 12-49 year old female audience bracket.

Why: Guns, looks, practical knowledge.

Why not: Not especially spiritual, but has a strong moral compass.

There you go - my dream Exorcism Squad. Agree? Disagree? Think I'm full of shit? Think the Pope looks like Emperor Palpatine? Comment below.