Tuesday, February 19, 2008

Rumor: Massive Layoffs at CIA Following Castro's Resignation

Following today's resignation of Cuban leader Fidel Castro, employees of the CIA were told to expect "massive reorganization" in the coming days.

The federal agency, whose primary mission has been the overthrow of Castro since the Cuban leader took power in 1959, is no longer necessary as the last vestiges of the Cold War finally came to an end. Castro will be succeeded by his brother Raul, who has been serving as temporary leader of Cuba since Fidel's illness in 2007.

"It's just not going to be the same without Fidel in power," said Jim Chowder, a CIA operative in Havana. "Sure, we could try to overthrow Raul, but he's got such a pussy name. He sounds like a Dancing with the Stars instructor, not an evil dictator. Fidel Castro is a brand, you know? He's someone you can hate, a symbol of Cold War power. Raul Castro, he could be your wacky Latino neighbor."

Chowder, who enjoys Cuban cigars and Cuban rum, said he would "miss Cuba" and hoped the embargo would end soon so he could return and enjoy a life there without having to attempt to assassinate the nation's leader on a daily basis.

Experts estimate as many as half the CIA could be downsized, as the agency has made Castro's overthrow or assassination its primary objective.

Meanwhile, in Miami or "Not-So-Little-Havana" as it is commonly known, Cuban ex-pats took to the streets in a drug-fueled, alcohol-spritzed, Miami style party. One Cuban, who refused to be identified (photo left), told reporters that he was preparing to return to Cuba now that Fidel Castro was finally gone.

"I can't wait to go back and see my family and introduce them to the glorious lifestyle living in the United States has afforded me," he said. "Look at dis stuff: jacuzzi, guns, power, money, women: the US has it all baby!"

When asked about the men and women of the CIA would would lose their jobs, he said he "didn't care."

"This man's reaction is not uncommon," said Chowder as he watched a pair of bikini-clad chicanas walk by his cantina. "Too many Cubans in the US get high on their own supply. Just look at that Perez Hilton guy. That's what we've got to look forward too now."

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